


United, We Stand in Fantasy Costco

by louare



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: (I Don't), Alcohol, M/M, Partying, bad financial descisions, no real violence unless you count violence against garfield
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-21 21:24:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13152330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louare/pseuds/louare
Summary: secret santa gift for flipwizardmcgay on tumblr!!Taako wakes up after a long night of partying to discover he's lost a very important item.The ring he was going to propose to Kravitz with.





	United, We Stand in Fantasy Costco

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for this being a little late my dude! needless to say, working on Christmas Eve, and projectile vomiting. it was pretty cool!! i mean, not at the time, but it is now!!!
> 
> i started looking through your tumblr for some hints p much as soon as i got your name, and there was a post about Taako proposing to Kravitz while blackout drunk. This is sort of inspired by that! sort of my own spin. 
> 
> i'll be the first to admit, im not finished with the podcast, and im a little new to the fandom, so if i missed anything, please point it out, and I'll be happy to fix it!
> 
> when i'm not this sick, i'll come back and clean this up a bit.

Taako woke up with the taste of piss and mead in his mouth, and every bone in his head throbbing. He groaned, and cursed Merle- it wasn’t his fault, but Taako was definitely going to blame him. If he was here, rather than next door sucking in the curtains, he could cast his first healing spell and heal him of this hangover. Yeah, this was definitely Merle’s fault.

As he sat up, rubbing at his crusted eye makeup, he realized that his room was trashed. The vanity mirror was smeared with lipstick, with several bottles of perfume smashed and his _favorite_ butterfly money clip snapped in half. Clothing was strewn across the floor, along with his expensive make-up. Even worse, he was missing his pants.  That was a good pair of pants.

With a groan, he stood on shaky legs- fantasy aspirin, cabinet he thought- and felt  the wall as he stumbled to the lit bathroom. It was cleaner in here, he noted blearily, and after two-three- five, fantasy-aspirin, his vision cleared enough for him to see why: the bathtub was filled to the brim with water, and it had flooded the room.

Explains why the carpet’s damp, he thought. Taako leaned against the sink and held his aching head with one hand as the other began to scrub at the taste in his mouth.  

That was a nice pair of pants, he thought, his best dress pants. And he probably had so much stuff in those pockets- that nice butterfly money clip, that cheesecake wax melt, that velvet ring box. All lost. Just because he somehow misplaced his pants while drunk.

It hit him as he spits into the sink- _he didn’t have his pants._

Taako dropped the toothbrush and rushed into the bedroom, where he tore through every pile of clothes that was scattered on the floor. He checked the bathroom hampers, then the bedroom again before admitting defeat.

His pants. His pants with the ring in the back pocket. The engagement ring he was going to propose to Kravitz with. The same engagement ring that he traded his BLOOD and BEST RECIPE for.

Taako collapsed onto the bed, only to wince as something crunched.  He reached and pulled out a plastic grocery bag from underneath him.  He furrowed his brow at it- the last place he went was Fantasy Garden, and those bags were in the fridge, if Merle hadn’t eaten them yet.

Taako uncrumpled the bag, and his heart skipped- it was a Fantasy Cosco bag.

Fucking Garfield. Somehow, he always knew he was going to kill that cat for pants someday.

 

A long, dark split skirt and a sleeveless blouse. Taako was still debating which belt he should take- the one with the several threatening knives that was a gift from Magnus, or the one that matched his skirt? So many choices- when a blade cut through the silence and opened a portal right by the door. Kravitz stepped through, looking surprised.

“I see you’re awake,” he said, the sythe melting from view. “Hangover?”

“F-Aspirin, “Taako said, adjusting the belt in the mirror. “Are you free?”

“Moderately,” Kravitz shifted. “I came here because, well, we need to talk-“

“Lucky for you, I have an idea to benefit the both of us.” Taako set the knife belt aside and fastened the matching black on around his waist. “I need to pop down to Fantasy Costco real quick- important business, trust me, you don’t need to know the details- but if you would uh, portal me down there, we can come back straight afterwards and talk.”

Kravitz hesitated for a moment, but nodded. “I… suppose that will be alright. How long is ‘real quick’?”

“However long it takes to kill a cat,” Taako said casually. He raised his hand, and the Umbra Staff came to him from under a pile of cloaks. “So, three minutes?”

Kravitz watched him carefully until the staff was safely hooked onto his belt. “Fair enough,” he said, and opened the portal.

Within seconds, the pair was outside the Fantasy Costco building, the bright building alight with customers in the late afternoon rush. Taako reached a hand for the the Umbra Staff, waiting for Kravitz to move out of sight before drawing it.

Moments later, the sliding doors at the Fantasy Costco exploded inward, sending twisted metal and a million brilliant shards of glass flying through the air, scattering like diamonds across the tiled floor.

Taako didn’t think he could’ve made any better entrance, as customers stopped and stared at the enraged elf making a bee-line for Garfield, the resident and suddenly-scared-for-his-life deals warlock.

“Yo Garf, where’s my pants?!” He yelled.

Garfield screamed and dove under the counter.

“That was a good pair of pants Garf, where are they?!”

The shards crunched nicely under his boots as he stepped towards the front counter.

“It was a fair trade!” Garfield shrieked.

“Fair trade my perfect ass!”

“A bag of chips for a used pair of pants, I don’t-“  
A small translucent hand grabbed the back of the warlock’s robe jerking him up and letting him fall in front of the counter.

“A bag of chips?” Taako curled his fingers into the front of the robe and jerked the cat to his feet.” What sort of trade is that?”

There was a proud glint in the cat’s eyes. “A fair one, mutually agreed on by both parties-“

“Oh yeah?” Taako hissed. “Well, I want a refund.”

Garfield pointedly turned his head to the propped sign that said”NO REFUNDS.” Seconds later, and twitch turned that sign into a pile of dust.

“Where. Are. The. Pants.” Taako waved the Umbra Staff again, and Garfield blanched.

“Look, Taako from TV merchandise has always been a huge seller! I-I traded those pants just minutes after I got them! They're long gone! Weren't even washed!"

Taako took a moment to decide whether or not to be creeped out, or flattered. He chose disgusted, and with a sigh, he twisted the robe tighter, holding the staff ever closer to Garfield’s face.

“Look Garf,” He drawled,” We’ve had some fun times, some fun trades. But I had some important stuff in the _pockets_ of those _pants._ If you think I’m above serving you to other people-“

“No! No there wasn’t!”

Taako faltered. The Umbra Staff shook with energy in his hand, but he firmly kept it raised. “...What did you say?”

“There wasn’t anything in the pockets,” the warlock cried. “ I was doing you a favor. The deal was for the pants, not anything else! You kept everything that was in the pockets! I saw you! You stuffed them in your shirt!”

Taako opened his mouth to accuse the cat, but stopped.

“Wait, did you say you would serve me?” Garfield squeaked.

Taako paid him no mind. “Then where...” he remembered, suddenly, his money clip, snapped in half on the vanity. The same money clip he had taken out that night, with-

A horrible realization dawned upon him. Taako dropped the cat wizard, who landed with an over dramatic yell on the glass covered floor, and turned around.

Kravitz was wearing two things: the biggest shit-eating grin Taako had ever seen, and the engagement ring on his raised left hand.

“I... “ he started uncertainly. “I didn’t...”

“Oh yes,” Kravitz said. “You did.”

The Umbra Staff shook in his grip, and Taako automatically hooked it onto his belt. “And you said...?”

“What do you think?” Kravitz said, his grin widening.

Taako sighed, and all at once, the tension seemed to drain from his body. “If you weren’t my new fiancé, and I wasn’t definitely sure it would kill you, you’d be feeling some magic missile right now, my dude.”

Kravitz eyed the Umbra staff nervously. “Would it help if I kissed you and apologized for letting you come all the way down here?” He offered.

“...It's a start.”

So surrounded by a staring crowd, broken, glass, and one crying wizard cat, Kravitz put his arms around Taako and laid a soft kiss on his forehead, and then his lips. Not letting go, he reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a familiar, black velvet box.

“I’m afraid you may have beat me to the punch,” he murmured, rather sheepishly, “But I’d still like to ask. Taako Taaco, would-“

“Do it right.” Taako said with a grin. Kravitz looked down at the glass covered tile and arched a perfect eyebrow, but nevertheless, scraped a boot across the ground and kneeled. If his knee landed on a wayward piece of glass, he didn’t show it.

“Taako Taaco, would you marry-“

“I changed my mind. Let’s skip the theatrics.” He held out his hand expectantly.

Kravitz sighed, then laughed, and carefully slipped the ring onto his partner’s finger. The ring resized to fit Taako’s finger, and as the elf admired it, Kravitz glanced around at the destruction and the multitude of staring customers.

“I bought the ring from here too, “he murmured.

“Mine too,” Taako chimed. “Still say he charged too much for it, but hey, a trade’s a trade.”

 

“Hey Krav?”

“Yeah?”

“Why didn’t you say something before I nearly killed Garfield?”

“Well, He has a seven death bounty on his head, but I can’t collect until he reaches a nine life death count. The queen’s fond of felines.”

  
  
END

**Author's Note:**

> go check out flipwizard: http://flipwizardmcgay.tumblr.com/
> 
> Merry Crisis guys!


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